taitu88 (taitu88) wrote,

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"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy." -Robert Anthony

I think this is true. There is a certain security in being miserable and staying that way. When you are miserable you have lower expectations. For example, that guy you can't stop thinking about? If you are miserable enough it's enough that he even looks at you and sees you are alive, you don't expect him to declare his love for you. Asking him out is a risk. Every time you do something to pull yourself out of your misery you risk falling in deeper. But you also risk losing out on the possibility of being happy.

I am miserable. I'm certain of it. I've been miserable for years and I'm...sick of it. I really am. I have been crying off and on for about a week straight now, I stay up all night, I eat too much or too little and I'm just at the tip of emotional exhaustion. I fake like everything is fine and I tell everyone I'm ok when I'm really not. I am sad, angry scared, hurt, lonely and I don't want to pretend anymore. My lies aren't fooling anyone except me. But still, even knowing all this and no longer denying my feelings, I am too afraid to take the risk. I have spent so long convincing that I knew what was possible and impossible and then..in one night, in one moment that changed. And I'll admit that I got scared. It was what I wanted but since I never believed it could be I ran away from it. I feel that I have so much on the line that it might be better for me to remain this way than to risk it all and destroy everything. Still...

that was on Postsecret two Sundays ago. It didn't make sense to me but this is what was underneath it;
"Subject: Hope

A few months ago I saw a postcard saying "If you're waiting for a sign, this is it. Do it. It will be amazing."

Well I did it...and while I am the most vulnerable I've ever been in my life, I'm also the happiest.

For anyone else: This is your sign."

What clearer message for someone who has been waiting so long?

Unfortunately, I've still done nothing. This fear runs deep. I am afraid that I may destroy one of the most precious relationships in my life were I to open up. This is probably just my extreme cowardice speaking, but I don't truly have to risk everything in order to be at least a little happy. But if I don't take the chance and risk at least some small part of me, I will remain miserable. There is a certainty here in my misery...and I wish to do away with it. Maybe I am too late to change anything...maybe nothing would have changed had I acted differently. I'll never know until I let go...

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