Be Patient

Two of the simplest words in the world.
And one of the hardest things to do.

It's been MONTHS and it is still SO hard. I just can't be patient. I mean I don't even know what I'm being patient for. Or who, rather. Who am I waiting for? Can't I get a vision? A specific date? A name? Maybe some initials? Something!
It's even harder because I'm always trying to stop myself from hoping that "Be patient" means "Wait for him." And I want so very badly for it to be him...
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    anxious anxious

(no subject)

"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy." -Robert Anthony

I think this is true. There is a certain security in being miserable and staying that way. When you are miserable you have lower expectations. For example, that guy you can't stop thinking about? If you are miserable enough it's enough that he even looks at you and sees you are alive, you don't expect him to declare his love for you. Asking him out is a risk. Every time you do something to pull yourself out of your misery you risk falling in deeper. But you also risk losing out on the possibility of being happy.

I am miserable. I'm certain of it. I've been miserable for years and I'm...sick of it. I really am. I have been crying off and on for about a week straight now, I stay up all night, I eat too much or too little and I'm just at the tip of emotional exhaustion. I fake like everything is fine and I tell everyone I'm ok when I'm really not. I am sad, angry scared, hurt, lonely and I don't want to pretend anymore. My lies aren't fooling anyone except me. But still, even knowing all this and no longer denying my feelings, I am too afraid to take the risk. I have spent so long convincing that I knew what was possible and impossible and one night, in one moment that changed. And I'll admit that I got scared. It was what I wanted but since I never believed it could be I ran away from it. I feel that I have so much on the line that it might be better for me to remain this way than to risk it all and destroy everything. Still...

that was on Postsecret two Sundays ago. It didn't make sense to me but this is what was underneath it;
"Subject: Hope

A few months ago I saw a postcard saying "If you're waiting for a sign, this is it. Do it. It will be amazing."

Well I did it...and while I am the most vulnerable I've ever been in my life, I'm also the happiest.

For anyone else: This is your sign."

What clearer message for someone who has been waiting so long?

Unfortunately, I've still done nothing. This fear runs deep. I am afraid that I may destroy one of the most precious relationships in my life were I to open up. This is probably just my extreme cowardice speaking, but I don't truly have to risk everything in order to be at least a little happy. But if I don't take the chance and risk at least some small part of me, I will remain miserable. There is a certainty here in my misery...and I wish to do away with it. Maybe I am too late to change anything...maybe nothing would have changed had I acted differently. I'll never know until I let go...

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    drained drained



It's been days and days and days and I STILL cannot stop thinking about it!!!

I'm so restless and I've taken to pacing and muttering to myself once more. I feel so pathetic.

Just because I was already sure that I would never be kissed at the old age of 20 and then I was kissed by the guy I've loved for four years or so whom I thought would never kiss me ever especially not at his house during his birthday party and it was really good and he was so sweet to me before and after and he's single and apparently over that horrid witch-girl and said some really unbelievable things that almost made me cry because I never thought he'd say something like that to me and noticed that I left without saying good bye and made me feel like I'm not such a waste of space after all....

It doesn't mean I always gotta think about it ,right?

Because he can't be thinking about me. He just can't. I mean..we've hardly spoken since then...well..ok communication is a two way street and I've been too scared to contact him. see..I'm not in his top on myspace and...yeah right myspace isn't the end all of the world and my not being there does not mean he abhors me. Um...but...uh...he...well...OH! He hasn't really given me any sign that the kiss could have meant something..I mean..there was that bulletin about kissing and how kissing someone on the lips meant "I love you"..about how you are missing someone...or thinking of them's not the end all, right? But..he kissed someone else at the party too...ok..I don't actually have proof that he did..but..I'm sure of it. I just am...

He probably only kissed me because he thought I was upset and hiding in the bathroom...which, admittedly, I was. So..he was just trying to..comfort me I guess. God..he picked a heck of a way to do it...He can't be interested in's impossible...

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    confused confused

Bug A Boo

Just when I thought he couldn't get any weirder. He is seriously freaking me out. I get sick at the thought of going to school because I know there is a good chance I will run into him. Maybe this is what normally happens when you are pursued by a guy who likes you (How would I know?) but it feels a lot more like getting stalked.
I'm trying to be nice to him but he makes it unbelievably hard. I mean if he asks me if it's ok if he talks to me or wants to talk to me one more time I shall scream. I don't always answer his texts because I'm doing my best not to encourage him and his questions are usually annoying. Because No I do NOT want to ride his motorcycle with him. 1. I would be afraid, 2. I don't even know him. I don't want my parents to have to identify my mangled body after hopping on a bike with some older guy (He's 26!) I didn't even know. They raised me better.
A few days ago he asked me if he was a type of guy I would talk to, he wouldn't move to fast, wanted to START OUT as friends, wanted to talk to me since last year...blah. I told him I just felt more comfortable talking online than on the phone or in person. In his next text he said that was fine...and asked me were my plans after college. I was immediately annoyed as I thought I had gotten my point across. He sent several more texts that same day asking me random questions. I was angry because I had just said that I was not comfortable talking to him over the phone. Correct me if I’m wrong you use a phone when you text someone. It may not be the exact same as talking to the person but there is still a phone involved.
I was also upset about his “start out as friends” comment. What made him think we would be more in the future?
I added him to another blog of mine he had asked me about. He sent me messages but his profile was private and he didn’t add me then. I wondered why. I thought he was possibly hiding something. A recent divorce, some kids some creepy fetish. When he finally added me I went to his site to check it out. I found no evidence of children or an ex-wife…or ANYTHING. I was the only person there. I don’t know how that would make any of you feel but I was EXTREMELY creeped out. Why would he ask me about the site when he didn’t even have one?
He said he didn't want a lot of friends on there unless they were "rooted in Christ". I told him about some Christian groups and he asked me if it would be crazy if I was the only friend he had.
Um, YES!! It's just a tad psychotic.
I told him it would be a waste and he could change his mind and he said it wouldn't and he only wanted me on there and I was the only reason he even had the page. He said he'd made up his mind about me last year and that he wanted more than friendship from me. About two days ago he wanted to start out as friends.
Maybe it's just me...not liking him as I do...but it feels like he cares more about what he wants. He wants to start out as friends, then he wants more than friendship. I told him I wasn't ready for anything beyond friendship and he had to ask if I was seeing anyone. Whether or not I'm seeing anyone isn't the point. Just because I'm not I won't be jumping into his arms any time soon.
And he's said twice now that he hopes I won't forget him.
Oh, sir, I shall never forget you. I have had a few scary stalker types in my day, though I am quite impressed with what speed you have jettisoned to the top of that list, and I haven't forgotten a single one. Or the things they did to make me feel insecure and frightened around men. My friends and I used to laugh over them and they would help me out. But they're scattered now and it's pretty much just me.

Ugh..I feel pressured and scared and sick and I have these...convulsions every time I think of him or he contacts me.

This is not going to end well.

But end it shall.
  • Current Music
    Destiny's Child/Bug A Boo

What A Guy

I have a friend who lives out in Vegas, right? And this friend recently (very recently i might add) got a boyfriend/fiance. So Mr. loves her so so much and she is his angel and blah blah gag blah. Well..for him part of loving her means getting to know the important people in her life. I am in the top. She calls me her sister and talks about me to him. Enough so that he wanted to talk to me. we've spoken on the phone several times and the last few times he's mentioned he'd like me to go out to Vegas. He said that they would come get me but now he's talking about me getting up if I had a way. for my Easter break. He keeps telling me that when I know when my break is I should tell them so  we could make plans. 
I was never terribly excited to spend my precious one week break with "The World's Most Precious Couple." Wonder why..
And today I decided to check out his myspace. CONFEDERATE FLAGS ALL OVER THE FREAKIN' PLACE. I kid you not. His background is a flag his icons are the flags his new featured group uses the flag. She told me he was racist (didn't say against who or give me specific incidents but I'm getting it) but..JESUS. He knows I'm Black....and really wants to see me

should I be worried?
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    nervous nervous

To Sleep Perchance To Dream

If dreams are meant to show us our deepest subconscious desires............
I am in deep DEEP doo-doo

 I have absolutely NO business dreaming, thinking, missing, wanting him and I know that. Despite my certainty though he continues to invade my slumber and torture me during my REM cycle.

I think what makes it all worse is that I had been thinking about him before I fell asleep. I was thinking that maybe things were getting better because it had been awhile since I last dreamed of him.

but I guess not because I dream and there he was..and here I am

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    thoughtful thoughtful


WHY DID THIS HAPPEN GOD?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MEEEEEEEE?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ok..there's this guy right? And I really really really deeply care about him. Actually I'm kinda crazy about him.
Anyway..he hurt me pretty badly awhile ago. It was unintentional but it hurt then and has been getting worse. It occurred to me that he is not a mind reader (What guy is? Even when you tell him directly and speak slowly he still doesn't know what you're talking about) and he didn't know that I am over here torturing myself with memories. So..I should tell him right. I mean tell him he hurt me but in a kind way and let him know it wasn't completely his fault (which it isn't I guess). That shouldn't be too hard to do. We're friends, right? Friends should be able to do this stuff:
" were jerk!'
"Oh..I really am sorry."
"Cool...let's go get Starbucks."
But..nooo..I refuse to tell people how I really feel. Especially if I feel that they hurt me. I just smile and laugh and pretend everything is ok while I am falling apart because they act like I am invincible. I got hurt. And now I'm scared to tell him that. Everybody except for him knows I'm hurt and that's no good. I have to just....tell him. So I wrote a letter and,being a coward, instead of sending it to him I put it up on one of my blogs and protected it so only he could read it. Of course, since it's not myspace, it's a site he very rarely checks so he hasn't seen it yet. I put it up on Feb 15th and decided yesterday to take action. I made a comment on his site. This way I figured that the site would send a notice about the comment to his email he would go check and HOPEFULLY go to my site from there where the letter would be. A good Sneaky Snake plan of semi-courage.
HOWEVER, the powers that be, meaning God and I'm beginning to suspect some friends, decided it wasn't enough. I just read on his myspace that HIS EMAIL WAS DELETED! Seriously..could this have happened at a WORST POSSIBLE TIME?!?!?!?
It took me more than a week just to do that?! I have no more braveness left in me!!! God only knows when he'll decide to see about his blog and he might not even bother to check my site! ARGH asdjbagfabgsdbghjbgryuaierbhiubyejy!!!!!!!
This sucks so bad....
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    aggravated aggravated

The Hardest Thing.... that


I didn't necessarily think letting him go was going to be easy. I knew it wasn't but..I..just...grrrrr

I cannot stop thinking about him! Not even when I sleep! I keep on dreaming about him... It's like I can't escape no matter what I do. I miss him so much it's ridiculous. And there are so many tempting ways to get in touch with him. i see a cute comment or quote and consider sending it to him before I remember my plan.Or else i hope he will try to contact me I HAVE to let him go..I's for the best it really is. I mean..he doesn't even want to see me. I found it he comes down here on weekends and not once has he tried to reach me. And I can't ask him to come here for me..I still recall what happened last time I made that request (shudders).
but I wish that Marine that was looking at me at the mall had been him (It might have been actually). If it was I finally would have been able to see him after more than three years..and I would have gotten my hug.....

and I would have been able to say good bye..

I just wish letting go wouldn't be this hard.
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    uncomfortable uncomfortable